A trio of NFL players have announced this week to donate their brains, their grey matter to science without specifying the preference for hemispheric study. Specifically, a Boston University medical school program special;izing in sports-brain injuries. Unlikely, it is not expected to sideline the active careers of the grid ironers. The donations are part of a larger brain donation registrar which includes 40 retired NFL palyers. Oxymorons like freshly-frozen and military-intelligence will now have competition on the lobotomy table.
The stated purpose is to study sports brain injuries, with the unstated goal being to improve the entertainment value of America’s most wagered and studied point spreads. Clearly, the way to reduce the concussions, some of which lead to death is to avoid the repetitive trauma to the brain by finding less threatening activities that would fill up stadiums with people wearing Viking costumes and headwear made to resemble blocks of cheese. Restore civic pride and reduce the role of organized religion in the huddle.
To bring the game it back to its glory days when fans roamed the sidelines in full length fur coats and swigged from flasks of whiskey between cigars… The scientists are looking for a game changer. Catalysts who will reinvigorate the game, yet still be willing to take one occasionally on the noggin for the Gipper. A new criteria for the draft that would see individuals of the ilk of Salavador Dali, Jackson Pollock and Allan Ginsberg drafted and rewarded for letting them display their artful play and pageantry on the field. Though many of todays stars have some arts background such as degrees in folkloric crafts like basket weaving and rug hooking, it may be time to raise the goalposts to a higher level.
Marx Brothers, Horsefeathers,(1932)
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